The Query Letter

by j.a. kazimer


Dear Mr. or Ms. Literary Agent:

My non-de plume is Dick Rice (thought of it all by myself, clever huh?). I’m a writer, but you probably guessed that from my complex sentence structure, and incredible use of adverbs and exclamation!

I am honored to submit the following novel for your review in hopes of representation. The novel is titled, The Longest Day in the History of My Friend, Tony Blair’s Dog Mitts. Mind you, it has nothing to do with Tony Blair or his dog, so you needn’t concern yourself with legality issues. I never do. The story is a government conspiracy, mainstream, vampire, romance with a sci-fi ending and a Million Little Pieces beginning, or so I’ve been told. I’m not much of a reader.

It started out as The Great American Novel, but quickly was revised when it became shallow, obese, and overly concerned with gay marriage and family values.

Here’s a brief synopsis:

Lady Abba Walden Wallace Wagner, or Laura for short, and her conquering hero, Laird Lajos Ha Habib, George (both names are as meaningful and diverse as possible in order to reach the minority demographic. Laura’s name means Wagon girl born on Thursday on a Moor, and George refers to a growing mold in the shower).

Anyway, Laura and George meet in a Starbucks and fall in love. Not that unchristian type of love involving exchanging bodily fluids, but true love. However, George hides a terrible secret. He’s Laura’s brother, but more importantly, he’s a half-turned vampire bent on world domination, and a hell of a regular guy. With the help of a weasely congress and the Florida Supreme Court, George searches any country starting with a vowel for WMD, and Laura’s love.

Interested? I bet you are!

Here’s a bit about the author. Me! This is my very, very first novel. It needs some editing. I can’t spell very, very well and failed English in high school. However, I’ve received wonderful feedback. As a matter of fact, my mom says it’s the best she’s ever read. She’s eighty-two and blind in one eye, but a real boon to the critiquing profession.

I’ve also received commendation, not for writing, but for my exemplary military service record (See enclosed picture of me in a flight suit. I can also send one of me dressed like an Indian). Even more importantly, I know a lot about the elements in the story. I worked at a Starbucks…well…I applied at one, but was turned down. They’d already hired a Batista from Harvard.

Thanks for your consideration. I expect to hear from you within the week with an offer or else I will be forced to take matters in my own hands.

Sincerely,

George W…I mean….Dick Rice
The Big White House
Washington DC.