"For in a republic, who is "The Country"?

"For in a republic, who is "The Country"? Is it the government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the government is merely a servant - merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. It's function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is "The Country"? In a monarchy, the king and his family are the country; in a republic it is the common voice of the people. Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak. And it is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of the pulpit, press, government, or the empty catchphrases of politicians. Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, and which course is patriotic and which isn't...to decide against your convictions is to an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may. If you alone of all the nations shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country - hold up your head. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Mark Twain


Sent in by Nate Jordon.

The Query Letter

by j.a. kazimer


Dear Mr. or Ms. Literary Agent:

My non-de plume is Dick Rice (thought of it all by myself, clever huh?). I’m a writer, but you probably guessed that from my complex sentence structure, and incredible use of adverbs and exclamation!

I am honored to submit the following novel for your review in hopes of representation. The novel is titled, The Longest Day in the History of My Friend, Tony Blair’s Dog Mitts. Mind you, it has nothing to do with Tony Blair or his dog, so you needn’t concern yourself with legality issues. I never do. The story is a government conspiracy, mainstream, vampire, romance with a sci-fi ending and a Million Little Pieces beginning, or so I’ve been told. I’m not much of a reader.

It started out as The Great American Novel, but quickly was revised when it became shallow, obese, and overly concerned with gay marriage and family values.

Here’s a brief synopsis:

Lady Abba Walden Wallace Wagner, or Laura for short, and her conquering hero, Laird Lajos Ha Habib, George (both names are as meaningful and diverse as possible in order to reach the minority demographic. Laura’s name means Wagon girl born on Thursday on a Moor, and George refers to a growing mold in the shower).

Anyway, Laura and George meet in a Starbucks and fall in love. Not that unchristian type of love involving exchanging bodily fluids, but true love. However, George hides a terrible secret. He’s Laura’s brother, but more importantly, he’s a half-turned vampire bent on world domination, and a hell of a regular guy. With the help of a weasely congress and the Florida Supreme Court, George searches any country starting with a vowel for WMD, and Laura’s love.

Interested? I bet you are!

Here’s a bit about the author. Me! This is my very, very first novel. It needs some editing. I can’t spell very, very well and failed English in high school. However, I’ve received wonderful feedback. As a matter of fact, my mom says it’s the best she’s ever read. She’s eighty-two and blind in one eye, but a real boon to the critiquing profession.

I’ve also received commendation, not for writing, but for my exemplary military service record (See enclosed picture of me in a flight suit. I can also send one of me dressed like an Indian). Even more importantly, I know a lot about the elements in the story. I worked at a Starbucks…well…I applied at one, but was turned down. They’d already hired a Batista from Harvard.

Thanks for your consideration. I expect to hear from you within the week with an offer or else I will be forced to take matters in my own hands.

Sincerely,

George W…I mean….Dick Rice
The Big White House
Washington DC.